youre lurking in front of me
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize