I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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