So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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