i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
