I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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