didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
