Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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