You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
