I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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