I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
