4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
