Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
