i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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