can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
