I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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