i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
