I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
well you can't waste a boner
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
