How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
