If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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