There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
