I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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