I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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