Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
