buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
