tonight lets celebrate not being married
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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