Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
