Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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