someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
