I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
