3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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