some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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