Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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