You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
