a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize