I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize