just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Less talking, more tequila
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
