put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
