I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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