woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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