I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
