so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
