Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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