so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
