Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
