hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
