how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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