Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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