my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
