Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
