No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize