I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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