when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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