I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
