im six kinds of drunk right now
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
