i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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