it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
