I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
