found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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