woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
