Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
