He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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