She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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