you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
