I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
