eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
