I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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