I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
