hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
