Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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