i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
