god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
